Deswearing Ron
by Ash Light
Summary: Hermione is getting annoyed with Ron's swearing, and decides to take matters into her own hands. Things don't end up perfect, however, in true Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley fashion. RH, and a bit of SS


Ron swears a lot, doesn't he?

It's a well-known fact, Ronald Weasley is a swearholic.

So I've made Hermione teach him a lesson.

Enjoy.

000

Hermione Granger was sick of Ron Weasley.

She was sick of his constant Quidditch references.

She was sick of his constant disrespect to teachers.

She was sick of his blatant disregard towards his homework.

But what she really, _really_ was sick of, was his constant, unyielding, _stupid_….

"Goddamit!" Ron's voice broke through the chatter of the Common Room. A few third years giggled.

_Swearing_.

Hermione rolled her eyes angrily as Ron came over, muttering words profusely under his breath. She didn't want to know what they were.

He needed a bit of a lesson.

And if it was one thing Miss Granger adored, it was lessons.

As he neared her, getting ready to sit down, she quietly nudged his chair out the way with her foot. And Ron sat down.

On the floor.

With a bang.

And a clatter.

Looking uncommonly like a red-headed spider that had just been splatted.

Hermione didn't think Ron would be pleased with this analogy.

"_Bloody Hell_!" Ron yelled, glaring at Hermione.

She rolled her eyes again. She didn't want to start him off again.

"Ron," she said icily, "Some people find that offensive."

"It rubs _me_ up the wrong way too!" Ron exclaimed, to her surprise, "That bloody _hurt_ Hermione!"

She groaned. Of course.

He was only sulking about how he'd hurt himself.

Wimp.

"The _swearing_, Ronald," She snapped, "A lot of people find it offensive, me included. It is a stupid and uncouth way of expressing yourself."

"I don't see it that way," Ron pointed out, "I mean, it would be better if I swore at Malfoy than ripped his head off, wouldn't it? Actually," He said on second thoughts, "I'm not sure it would."

Hermione sighed, "_Ron_. Would you please, _please_ try and understand what I am trying to say, for just _one_ second."

Ron's face looked blank.

Hermione slammed her book into her lap, "I am trying to get you to stop swearing!"

"It'll never work," Ginny said, wandering up with Harry, "The Weasley boys always swear. It's part of their natural way of life."

"Swimming was part of a fish's way of life, put that didn't stop it from evolving and becoming human, did it!" Hermione retorted, "Ron Weasley, I _can_, and _will_ stop you from swearing."

Harry raised his eyebrows, "She's pressing on sacred grounds here."

Ron looked thoughtful, "I don't think she can," He said, "But, I am willing to let her teach me."

Ginny promptly fell off her chair, "What?"

"But," Ron continued, "I want to know that I'll get some sort of reward for this amazing behaviour which I am about to demonstrate."

Hermione faltered for just one second. Then….

"I'll do your homework for a week."

Ron fell off his chair, "Huh?"

"I'll do your homework for a week."

Ron's grin was spreading from one ear to the other, "Blo…..I mean, that's brilliant, Hermione!"

Harry gaped, "Hey, _I_ have a swearing problem! Do _my_ homework too!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, grinning, "No, just Ron," She smiled, "And I think I'll have my work cut out."

"Too right you will," Ginny muttered, "I have a question, Hermione. With all these lessons, what if _you_ start to swear?"

Hermione tossed her hair primly, "I won't."

Ron grinned, "Bet you will."

Hermione glared at Ron, "I _will not_," She hissed, "And if I do, I do your homework for _two_ weeks."

Harry fell off his chair, "Wha-?"

"Including the first week?"

"Including the first week," Hermione said, as she shook hands with Ron, "But I won't start swearing."

"Bet you will," Ron said, getting up, "Bet by the end of this you'll be swearing like a sailor……Bloody Hell!"

He looked up at Ginny, sprawling from where she'd tripped him up. Then he looked at Hermione.

She was tutting.

He _hated_ the tutting.

"That was just a slip of the tongue," He explained.

Hermione groaned, "It's gonna be a _long_ time."

000

"So what am I meant to do?" Ron demanded, "Say 'oh dash it all', or 'Holy Mackerel'? I am _not_ a seventy year old man in the fifties, Hermione!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. _Really_.

All she'd said was that Ron should submit some swearing for other words.

"_No_," She snapped, "Just, instead of swearing, say something that sounds good without making you sound like a prat," Because let's face it, you already do that, she added silently, "Like bread and butter."

Ron fixed her with a stare, "Oh, and _that_ doesn't make me sound like a prat?" He deadpanned.

"In a different language, you idiot," She snapped, almost losing her temper, "Like my Dad, whenever he looses his temper, he says bread and butter in Welsh. Bara' menin," She said proudly, "That's what you could say."

"Burrh-meening," Ron tried out, "Sounds ok."

"Not _burrh-meening_," Hermione said patiently, "_Bara'menin_."

"Barry' methin?"

"_Bara'menin_."

"Bothy'mothy?"

"_Bara'menin_."

"Batha'methol?"

"_Bara'menin_."

"Barty'Crouch?" Ron asked with an evil grin.

"Oh, now you're just being stupid!" Hermione snapped, striding away.

"You didn't get that before?" Ron asked hurriedly, "Aw, come on Hermione! I can do this! I can! Hermione?"

000

"So how's the teaching going?" Ginny asked Hermione the next week, "Got him to stop swearing yet?"

Hermione shook her head glumly, "No, and it's getting annoying. I _love_ teaching, I _love_ lessons! And it's just on measly little thing! Why can't I get him to just stop swearing, godda…." She clapped her hands hurriedly over her mouth.

Ginny laughed, "You did it! You almost swore!"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"I didn't!"

Ginny rolled her eyes, "You did," She retorted, and sprinted away from the other girl before she could answer.

The red-head wandered around the Common Room, looking for something. She hadn't quite found it, until…..

"Hey, Ron!" She waved her older brother up to her, "You know this swearing thing Hermione's doing?"

Ron groaned, "Yes, and I'm thinking of giving it up. A week's worth of homework can't be worth this much hassle."

Ginny grinned evilly. Ron backed away slowly, "What?"

"I've got an idea," Ginny confided, "Unless you stop swearing……."

00000

The next day, Ron didn't swear at all.

When he dropped his bag all the way down the stairs and had to go down and collect all the spilled contents, all he said was, "Oops…"

When he spilled ink all over his Potions essay, all he said was, "Oh…..flippin' heck."

When Snape took fifteen points from Gryffindor just because Seamus corrected his spelling, all Ron said was, "How…..unfair."

And when Malfoy deliberately knocked him off his seat at lunch, all he said was, "Oh……Batha'methol," And grinned charmingly at Hermione.

There was no doubt about it; Ron Weasley had stopped swearing.

And Hermione was in awe.

"Ron!" She squealed (making Harry clap his hands over his ears in pain), "You stopped!"

Ron blinked, "Eh?"

"You stopped swearing! I'm so proud of you!" And with that Hermione flung her arms around Ron's neck, and hugged him.

From what Harry could see of Ron's face (mostly obscured by Hermione's face), he was looking very embarrassed, very shifty, and very pink, "Yeah…..well," He muttered, "It was easy really," He muttered, exchanging a look with Ginny, who was shaking with silent laughter, "You know, once I put my mind to it."

Hermione let go of him – and then hugged him again. Harry was starting to feel sorry for Ron, "You must have made such an effort…."

"_Aw_, look at that!" Came a very horribly familiar voice, "_Granger_ and _Weasley_!"

Hermione whirled around to glare at Pansy Parkinson, "_What_?"

"Your taste _has_ dropped a bit, hasn't it Granger?" Pansy asked, flanked, as usual, by her giggling cronies, "I mean, first Victor Krum, then Weasley?" She sneered at Ron, whose ears were starting to get, as usual, very red, "I don't think much for your taste at the moment, Granger."

Hermione's fists had balled themselves up into tiny little balls of fury. Before Ginny, who was looking furious, could say anything, Hermione yelled….

"For once in your goddamn life, Parkinson, would you bloody well get lost!"

Parkinson tossed her hair and sauntered off. Ron's jaw, however, could have hit the floor.

"_Hermione_," He said, obviously in awe, "You did it!"

"Did what, Ronald?" Hermione asked tiredly.

"You swore!"

Hermione looked shocked, "I didn't!"

"You did," Harry grinned, "You owe Ron three weeks worth of homework."

Ron patted a horrified looking Hermione on the shoulder and led her off. Harry could distinctly hear him say, "And I've got a six foot essay for Transfiguration that's due in for tomorrow, so you might want to get going on that……"

0000

When three weeks was up, Hermione flung her quill down.

"I've taken notes on the history of the rise of Voldemort for Defence Against The Dark Arts," She said tiredly, "And that's _it_."

Ron smirked, digging into his bag, "Well actually, there's my Potions essay."

"_Ron_," Hermione groaned, "_No…… more_."

Ron shrugged, "Ok, ok, I'm sorry."

Hermione sighed, and hitched her bag onto her shoulder, "Let's go back to the Common Room," She said, "And on the way you can tell me how you stopped."

Ron immediately stopped, "Do I have to?"

"Yes," Hermione smiled, leading the way out of the library, "What did you do?"

Ron shifted his feet, "Well…..it was more of something Ginny said."

"What did she say?" Hermione asked gently.

Ron looked at the floor, "She….said…….tell……Lavender……stupid……first year…..you…"

Hermione cupped her hand to her ear, "Come again?"

Ron sighed, and said, very quickly, "Shesaidthatshe'dtellLavenderabout thisstupidthinginoutfirstyear-Ihadacrushonyou."

Hermione blinked for a couple of seconds. Then realisation dawned.

Ron had had a crush on her in the first year.

Wow.

"Oh…Um…..Well.." She muttered, trying to ignore the fact that she was sounding like Ron, "That's….."

"I don't anymore!" Ron exclaimed hurriedly, "And it's only cos, well, you know what Lavender's like, don't you? And I don't anymore, I just didn't want anyone else to know, I dunno why I told her, but I did, but I don't anymore, I just didn't want you to know because it might make things awkward, again, and I don't anymore!"

Hermione paused for a second. Then she said, quite quietly, "You said that last part four times."

Ron scuffed his shoes on the floor, "Yeah, I know."

Hermione shrugged, and then head off to the Gryffindor Tower, Ron following silently behind her. Every step she took seemed to say, '_I don't care, I don't care, I don't care_….'

"Come _on _Sev!"

Hermione was sure she'd heard wrong. Two things seemed to be taking place in her mind. One, that the only person in the entire school that could be called 'Sev', was the dear old greasy haired former Potions Master, Severus Snape. Two, that the voice sounded horribly like…..

"Is that……_Professor Sinistra_?" Ron asked in horror.

Hermione was about to say something cutting when they rounded the corner.

And saw the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor and the Astrology Professor.

_Holding hands_.

And looking very pink.

And _holding hands_.

Professor Sinistra promptly turned round, and turned from light pink, to magenta, to aubergine.

Snape, on the other hand, had gone from pale, to grey, to puce.

Hermione felt her eyes and mouth widen in terror.

And Ron simply said:

"_Bloody hell_."

And Hermione found she didn't mind.

Some things, she reflected, are best left unchanged.


End file.
